Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The three most read words in the world: I̶ ̶L̶o̶v̶e̶ ̶Y̶o̶u̶ …NO! It's: “Made in China.”

   I don't mind people sneezing in public. It's that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.

   I had to go on two diets because one wasn't giving me enough food.

   This tag on my panties has been tickling my ass all morning, I was gonna cut it off but I'm lonely

   Irony: Getting a girl pregnant on a "pull out" couch.

   I love the word "Allegedly". You can make up anything about anyone without any reprisal... allegedly.

   My first memory was 9 months before I was born. I went to this crazy party with dad and left with mom.

   You know ladies, us guys may not know what its like to have "that time of the month" but we sure have front row seats to it.

   My new years resolution was going to be to turn over a new leaf, but I'd probably just end up smoking that too.

   A buddy of mine just told me he's been getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin...I said, "Wow, how can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a mustache."

   Kate is officially a milf

   Looking on the bright side, if the Mayans are right, this is the last Monday we'll ever have to deal with.

   Love in 2013 means answering each other’s texts immediately.

   Sorry, but your kids don't look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

   Lady in front of us in 15 items or less lane with about 30 items, so I smiled and said "Math wasn't your strongest subject,was it?"

   I say the candidates do us all a favor and stop the annoying commercial/adds on TV and donate that money to help those affected by Sandy.

   Hey Bob Costas, you can have my Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms the day after you give up your right to free speech under the First Amendment.

   3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...

   I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

   I can't afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.