Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet you $567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

   Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!

   I was just sexually harassed. Screw a lawsuit. I haven't been this flattered in a while..

   If a stranger starts talking to you in an elevator, just say: "I don't want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you" that'll shut 'em up.

   I'm setting my alarm for 3am Friday, so I can wake up, remember I don't give a shit about the royal wedding and go back to sleep

   I love watching two girls meet each other. It's easily the most fake thing I have ever seen.

   I hate that disapproving look George Washington is giving me on the $1 bill. As if to say "You're making bad choices."

   Sex for Hugh Hefner at his age must be like shooting pool with a rope.

   used the money I saved on my gym membership and bought PhotoShop.

   You ever had a dream so damn good, you were pissed right after you woke up because you didn't want it to end....then you tried to go back to sleep to continue it but failed?

   My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

   I can't wait to tell my grandchildren how many times I survived the end of the world!

   Nothing more uncomfortable than a girl with a lazy eye looking up at you while giving you head.

   This is actually a pretty horrible dating site you guys.

   "I'd hit that" -old people who drive

   You can lead a human to knowledge.... but you can't make them think.

   I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food... I dont even know where sandwiches live!

   Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.

   Looking on the bright side, if the Mayans are right, this is the last Monday we'll ever have to deal with.

   Love in 2013 means answering each other’s texts immediately.