Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgment

   it just me or everytime someone says "and one time" you are thinking "at band camp" in the back of your head...

   I can't wait to go home and rip off my ex-girl friend's underwear!! They have been giving me wedgies all day

   hates it when he goes to a Vuvuzela concert and people start playing football...

   Heres a question. If you and your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife switched phones and facebook profile for 24 hrs would you still have a relationship!!!!!

   Just got back from visiting the future, was disapointed you weren't there. Can't go into details, but please stay away from revolving doors, and bean dip.

   Just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters. It's shift work.

   Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That's why most of the women put on make up and most of the men lie.

   A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.

   (1)Google Translate (2)Type,"Will Justin Bieber ever hit puberty" (3)Eng 2 Vietnamese (4)Copy/Paste the Vietnamese Words (5)Vietnamese 2 English

   has just read his wife's magazines and there seems to be two topics of major importance to women: .1) Why men are such disgusting pigs and .2) How to attract a man!

   next time someone asks you if you been working hard or hardly working put your hands around their neck, squeeze really tight and say breathing hard or hardly breathing!

   My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

   I can't wait to tell my grandchildren how many times I survived the end of the world!

   Nothing more uncomfortable than a girl with a lazy eye looking up at you while giving you head.

   This is actually a pretty horrible dating site you guys.

   "I'd hit that" -old people who drive

   You can lead a human to knowledge.... but you can't make them think.

   I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food... I dont even know where sandwiches live!

   Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.