Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hates it when he goes to a Vuvuzela concert and people start playing football...

   Nice try Folgers... but the best part of waking up is realizing it is your day off and going back to bed.

   I know I'm a few days early but I'll just go ahead and say it, anybody... I mean.. ANYBODY who says "see you next year" on New Years eve to me is getting punched in the face. FYI

   Kim Kardashian is back on the black Market.

   10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.

   "Bros before hoes" sounds like something a bro without a hoe would say.

   I don't make typos...I make new words

   Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.

   My day starts backwards... I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.

   When I die I want to be be reincarnated as a spider. Just so I can finally hear a women say "Oh my God, it's huge!"

   It's depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.

   If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die

   Now if we could just introduce Ebola to ISIS.......

   I put an "EBOLA QUARANTINE" sticker on my front door and now we don't have problems with salesmen, thieves, or neighbors.

   I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.

   I hit a coyote with my car on the way to work this morning. I tried to miss it but it was going to fast. It might have had something to do with that ACME rocket strapped to his back

   wondering, how many rich people in Nigeria is there? Cause every day, according to my emails, at least 5 die & want to leave me their money...

   Kinda feels weird when your computer asks if you'd like to continue unprotected....

   Trust is the most important part of a relationship. You must be 100% sure that she wont tell your wife!!!

   The way I feel when a waiter finally brings my food is probably similar to the excitement of a dude on Maury who just got told he's not the father.