Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Spinning my mouse wheel because that's how I scroll

   The awkward moment when you`re at your friends house and your friend is getting yelled at by the wife so you just stand their and pet the dog.

   Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.

   You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout, I'm telling you why: you're 11 years old and you have an iPhone, you little sh!t.

   Why were the first two guys in Superman so excited about seeing a bird or a plane?

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage lightbulbs.

   Young enough to know I can, old enough to know I shouldn't, stupid enough to do it anyway.

   Hitting the treadmill to release stress is not nearly as effective as hitting the people that cause the stress.......

   The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the "I'm sick" voice.

   Everything ██is█████ ████ ████fine ███ █ ████ love. ████ █████ the ███ Egypt ███ ████ government ██

   well done naagraj, 8 consecutive posts with no likes. Your a legend

   When will women ever learn? Never introduce your man to your hotter friend.

   Sitting here watching thousands of dollars worth of food be thrown away on Hell's Kitchen while I eat my Ramen.

   If someone held a gun to my head I still don't think it would be as scary as almost tipping backwards off of a chair

   Hey Motels, you can take the "Color TV" signs down now. We know....

   I miss the days when you could simply push somebody in the pool without wondering if their iPhone is in their pocket!

   I like mario. he's cool. he's all like " hello, I'm maaarrio, I'm a Italian plumber created by japanese people, who speaks English and looks like a Mexican."

   I hate it when I'm telling an awesome story, and realize halfway through that I should not be telling it to the person that I am.

   Looking for a New Year's resolution? Why don't we work on that whole "your/you're" thing...

   thinks life is unfair. So many rules; so little time to break them....