Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-6. I'm thankful for boobs

   Just found a hole in my sock and now I'm worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.

   I've just renamed my wifi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02". That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.

   there is a big diffrence when a boy and a girl says "i went through a box of tissue watching a movie"

   If you put a empty 40oz bottle to your ear , you can hear the ghetto .

   You know you drank too much last night when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator."

   I want my tombstone to say "Don't just stand there... water my flowers."

   It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

   To the people of the land of the free and home of the brave ...we salute you and mourn with you...

   I wish you people would punctuate and capitalize your sentences correctly. It makes copying and pasting easier.

   You are so selfish! You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night!"

   My mother sent me a private message on fb, telling me that I shouldn't post things that some people might find offensive. after much soul searching I had to do the right thing, so I unfriended her !

   I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can't find it...

   Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

   women these days.....some of their eyebrows looks like they are sponsored by NIKE.

   Have you ever loved someone so much, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping

   A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.

   Why are so many people obese these days? Because burgers are$.99 and salads are $4.99

   I LOVE sleeping,,,,,, It's like being dead,,, Without all the commitment

   we should have a way of telling ppl their breath stinks with out hurting their feelings like: "well i'm bored, lets go brush our teeth!"