Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After years of watching CSI, I still have never figured out why, when they walk into a dark house, they do their investigation with flashlights. One would think you could do a more thorough job if you flipped on the light.

   Does any one have the answer to this::::: If Cinderella's Shoe Fits perfectly, then why did it fall off....??

   Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman's boots...

   Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” I said, “I am.”

   In Store Special - "You're My One and Only" Valentine's Day cards... 4 for $5...

   What did the Easter Egg say to the boiling water?... It's gonna take a while to get me hard. I just got laid by some chick.

   Not only do I want to see footage of bin Laden being killed, I want the Benny Hill theme song played over it.

   Kharma, what did I do to deserve this?! ...Oh, now I remember. Carry on then.

   People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.

   I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.

   If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?

   Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

   If Obama was really Kenyan he would have won the race by now.

   I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?

   There should be a separate social networking site for people who post inspirational quotes.

   Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I'll be watching you. - Dog

   WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.

   There's creepy, then there's going to a strip club wearing a windbreaker

   old woman is having breakfast with elderly husband when she says 'LET'S GO UPSTAIRS AND HAVE SEX" he replies "PICK ONE,I CAN'T DO BOTH"

   At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?