Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Difficult to call it a "botched execution" unless he suffered longer than his victim.

   When life gives you melons... you know you're dyslexic.

   I've decided I'm not going to have kids. I love babies, but I'm just not ready for the commitment of uploading that many photos to Facebook.

   My poker face is when I'm standing in the express lane with 16 items.

   "GOOD MORNING COFFEE"....Meet your maker!!!!

   You know you have an awesome bra... when you can do the entire 'Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes' song.... with just a slight adjustment of the shoulder straps!

   So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you've fallen off the face of the earth??

   Whenever my son asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there's kids his age in China making iPhones.

   Lots of people out sick today. There's that new virus going around-- Unused Sick Days, apparently it's very contagious.

   RadioShack has announced plans to close 1,000 stores throughout the U.S. RadioShack customers were very upset when they got the news on their pagers.

   Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation..

   Goooodnight Vietnam !!! RIP Robin Williams one of a kind...

   A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you're hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.

   Whenever one office door closes, 50 browser windows open.

   I don't understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I am trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.

   Have you ever noticed that Velma(from Scooby-Doo) only says who the bad guy is after she pulls off their mask. And then conveniently knew it was him or her all along.

   If the caller I.D. reads "unavailable" then so am I.

   "A day without a nap is like a cupcake without frosting." -Terri Guillemets

   I just saved a bunch of money on my child support by switching to condoms

   I don't like people who can't make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.