Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't use the expression, "I beg to differ." If my opinion is different than yours I'm not going to beg to express it.

   I'd like to say some wise and meaningful crap, but the fact I just referred to it as “crap” shows just how meaningful I can be.

   If you were on fire and I had a beer in my hand, I would be warm, toasty, and drunk.....

   If my boss saw how many cool things I post on Facebook in a day, he'd stop saying I'm unproductive.

   .My super power is to slap people upside the head when they need it most. No need to thank me. Just doing my job.

   i thought the trick to makeup was to make it look like yout not wearing any and not to look like you shoved your face in a bowl of nacho cheese sauce

   : the only A+ I've gotten in life is my blood type

   The definition of irony: Not knowing the difference between a definition and an example.

   you know your getting old when you get out of bed and your body pops more then bubble wrap

   Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

   Get robbed on the street by a stranger, it's called a mugging, get robbed by your government, and it's called "taxes" ;)

   I think I missed the driver ed class on how inching forward every 5 seconds at a red light makes it turn green faster.

   I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.

   How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost?

   People who have high and unnecessary attitudes deserve the standing ovation of my tallest finger !!!!!!!

   I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

   Aw Jeez, I just realized Osama could feasibly end up in a can of tuna fish.

   At least he saw the royal wedding...

   Osama was found hiding in mansion in Abbottabad. Talk abbot-a-bad place to try and hide…

   Simple cure for childhood obesity: Ice Cream Trucks that don't Stop.