Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I absolutely HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT! Throw my head back and SHOUT!

   If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. #fail

   I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.

   I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...

   Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.

   Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music of the internet.

   I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it

   Kim Kardashian is filing for divorce. During this difficult time, the Kardashian family requests as much attention as possible.

   Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.

   Dear Egyptians, please chill the f**k out while we consult our groundhog for advice.

   A homeless man comes up to asking for change,I say"change comes from within" he looked stunned.

   All I heard was, "I swear it'll be funny"... Then we were in jail.

   I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn't speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.

   I only drink on two occasions; when its my birthday and when its not.

   My bed is a magical place where I can suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.

   If I don't mention you, then the status wasn't about you. But if the shoe fits, then lace it up and wear it.

   My girlfriend came out of the shower and said "I shaved down there, you know what that means?" I said, "Yeah the drain is clogged again."

   Who designed the pants with the word pink on the back? It should be on the front, and the back should say brown.

   thinks it's only a weak soul that walks towards Alchohol as a 'solution' when the going gets tough. Not me though - I sprint towards it....

   Have you ever noticed that Gatorade doesn't work on guys who suck?