Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 300 of 6384
I've learned that no matter how much I try... how much I care... or how much I do...... some people are just @ssholes!
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10-18-2011 18:26 by Dani
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There's a knock at my door. Jehovah's Witness. I decided to let him in. I go, "Now what?" He says, "I dunno...I never got this far."
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12-15-2012 22:00
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1. Sit down next to stranger on park bench. 2. Place an envelope beside him. 3. Whisper, "It has to look like an accident." 4. Walk away.
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01-11-2013 06:11 by Huck
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Just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.
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12-24-2012 15:34 by Aaron
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How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don't show it to her.
Dear Westboro Baptist Cult, we have a funeral you can protest. It's in Pakistan, we'll help you pack. The Patriot Guard promises to not bother you
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05-03-2011 03:17 by Hot Tea
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looks like Bin Laden's episode of Cribs didn't go that well
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05-03-2011 18:04 by levon
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I went to a gas station today and asked for $5.00 worth of gas, the clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
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04-10-2011 16:59 by Destiiny
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I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.
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02-16-2011 11:18
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I'm not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you're thinking.
Now that I've grown, I've realized that all the "cool" parents were actually just bad parents.
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09-15-2010 19:45
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I'm trying to learn yoga.....I'm pretty sure that I have the "Moron lying on his ass" move perfected
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01-20-2011 19:33 by scottyp
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you're only real job as a father is to keep your daughter off the pole
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11-11-2010 10:15
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would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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04-20-2009 23:56 by Vybe
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approached a woman at the bar last night and asked her what she is looking for in a relationship. She yelled, "Security".
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11-24-2009 10:29 by mark1965
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I wonder what would happen if I walked through Sea World with a fishing pole.
According to some magazine, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it's hard to steal a car when the owner's living in it...
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07-22-2010 07:55
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Don't you just hate it when the person you're Facebook-stalking never updates anything.
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02-20-2012 21:22 by BEGO
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Next time you're in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.
To all the people that think the world ends December 21 2012, you can stop using condoms this month
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04-10-2012 18:56
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