Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Memorial Day is the day where we spend time with our loved ones, who are sometimes a pain to live with, to remember our loved ones who are painful to live without.

   I need a new bad decision.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I... shhhh shut up. You shut up.

   Stop with the over used old posts , if we want old stuff we know where to look , now bad to the funny NEW stuff please..

   You can't really blame sharks for attacking swimmer. If some random guy walked into my house wearing nothing but speedos, I'd probably attack him as well!

   How do I stay fit and healthy? By drinking vodka and pushing kids off bikes.

   I don't mean to brag, but I'm the funniest person at this funeral.

   Remember when we were young and couldn't wait to grow up, so we could do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted? ... How's that working out for you?

   Send me one more game request and I'm showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister

   Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.

   Pizza doesn't ask silly questions... Pizza understands

   So, if Professor X can move objects with his mind,,, why can't he make his legs move?

   The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.

   I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I think that means I have 2020 vision

   I'm not saying this games over but children in Africa are wearing their Championship Broncos Tshirts

   What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?

   Finding out there's no Q is just as devastating as a child finding out Santa isn't real.

   I'm confused. What doe the anthem and flag have to do with NFL players protesting police injustice??

   My four favorite things are my boyfriend eating my sister and omitting commas.

   Kind people without hidden agendas rock my world.