Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kaepernick wish he had them Dre beats noise cancelation head phones to cancel the noise from Seatle fans right about now!

   Instead of, "Who won?" The most frequently asked question at Super Bowl 48 will be, "Hey, are you gonna eat the rest of those nachos?"

   Women check me out all the time!! I'm pretty selective on which lane I go to when leaving a store.

   an earthquake on valentines night....somewhere someone thinks they were great in bed to their lover for a perfect ending on the holiday

   Maybe Voldemort's face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.

   A lost and found but for airplanes.

   “I destroy my enemies when I make them my friends." Lincoln. It means, in order to turn your enemies into friends, you have to become President.

   Apparently Vladamir Putin did not watch Rocky IV.

   I might be white, but I'm not "saves plastic grocery bags to use for trash can liners" white.

   I put some red in with the whites and now my wife will not allow me near the laundry anymore...had to wear pink shirts for awhile but it was well worth it.

   No matter what life hands you. Don't put it in a fanny pack.

   Oh, you're awake at 3AM? The rest of us don't give a F#$%...

   I talk to my car, just in case it's a transformer.

   I feel like I forgot something when I left the house today.... Pants. It was definitely pants.

   It's like my nana always used to say: If you really hate him that much, just marry him and then get fat.

   How was I to know you were tying your shoelaces and not proposing?

   Wanna know about people you don't need in you life? Post something with a misspelling and see how fast they "must" correct you

   If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I'm really just testing your resolve

   Does Dunkin Donuts make a body spray?... *Asking for a friend..

   Employers at job interviews: We're looking for someone age 22-26 with 30 years of experience.