Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.

   I think instead of doing laundry I'm just going to buy a second hamper...

   HR have advised that I’m not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.

   That moment when you see your EX with that person they told you not to worry about during your relationship...

   Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

   Nothing says "I've already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.

   Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.

   was given 4 E's and LSD last night… Such an awful start to a game of scrabble.

   -- My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said..... "We need to talk about our future."..... I said, "Yeah, it's gonna be f***ing mental - we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits, holidays on the moon!"...Needless to say - I'm now f***ing single !

   I don't need to make better choices, I need better things to choose FROM.

   It's no coincidence the people who call the cops when parties get loud are the people who never get invited to parties.

   Snuck a bunch of booze into work today using my stomach.

   When someone comments on an old picture, your first thought is, "Wow I forgot about this! Thanks for the comment." immediately before this thought: "Why was this person looking through ALL my photos??"

   Pabst got its blue ribbon in 1893 for being voted best beer. Further proving that life in 1893 sucked pretty damn hard.

   Why does the 30 minutes before work go by so fast, causing me to be late. But the last 30 minutes go by slow, causing me to be pissed off.

   Falling in love is like jumping off a very tall building. Your brain tells you - it's not a good idea, while your heart tells you - you can fly.

   Why do they always staff the slowest cashier at the express lanes at Walmart?

   ‎9 times more people are killed by falling coconuts than by sharks. I CANNOT WAIT for Coconut Week!

   A fake smile on your friend's face is more evil than a sword in your enemy's hand.

   You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.