Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How come there's never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you've put the body in?

   When I first got married I would hold my wife's hands and gaze into her eyes when I talked to her. After all these years I still hold her hands and gaze into her eyes but it's mostly for self defense purposes

   My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he's a lamp...what does he know....

   Next time I see a car with like, 90 stick children on it, I am taping a condom to the window.

   sometimes as I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say “you’re in charge while I’m gone.”

   Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn't leave much room. It's small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

   Let's lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge

   My son said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like "That won't work you idiot. Go get my umbrella".

   Its pretty cool how we cured Ebola with Measles

   If being successful was an amusement park, I'd be the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can't get out.

   It is incredibly ironic that the people with the most narrow and closed minds also have the widest and open mouths.

   I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say "hello?" so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

   Girl just told me her roommate sits around watching Netflix all day and never goes out and now I kinda want to meet her

   If you've spent more than ten seconds fondling and sniffing a fruit or vegetable you need to buy it otherwise it's disrespectful

   Spoiler for the new Peanuts movie: Peppermint Patty finally comes out of the closet and we learn why Marcie has been calling her "Sir" all these years.

   No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.

   If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

   I'm pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and i'll let you know.

   I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre

   I didn't call you crazy. All I said was, "you look like you might own 400 cats"