Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Taco Bell is donating burritos to feed firefighters in Colorado. Talk about putting gas on the fire,

   It's claimed Macaulay Culkin's health problems are linked to a difficult childhood. No sh1t. His parents forgot to take him on holiday 4 times.

   If video games make you violent, does monopoly make you a millionaire?

   febreeze- because your house smells like weed and your parents will be home any minute.

   My New Year's resolution is to lose just enough weight so that my gut doesn't jiggle while I brush my teeth...

   Maintaining a Facebook page for your dog is an easy way to let all your friends know you're crazy.

   You can only put the wheels on a wagon so many times, then it's time for a new wagon!

   "Page 404 Not Found" I wasn't even looking for page 404.

   Gas prices are about $3.95 a gallon and females still think guys are coming over to just "CHILL"

   Sometimes it's better to react with no reaction.

   Just place a STUDENT DRIVER sticker on top of your car, and suddenly no one suspects you of drunk driving at 8am.

   Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.

   I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.

   There is a big difference between "friend" and "facebook friend"

   Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".

   Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I'll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

   No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.

   I'm pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and i'll let you know.

   I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre

   I didn't call you crazy. All I said was, "you look like you might own 400 cats"