Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   too much TV this morning and now I can't decide whether I want to rescue a dog for $19 a month or save a child for $15 a month...WTF

   Bad: Waking up and finding a pen!s drawn on your face. Worse: Finding out it was traced.

   Friend request > Poke > Message > Phone Number > Text > Meet > Bang

   Facebook would be way cooler if it was on t.v. : "In other news Brian's ex-girlfriend is still a cold, heartless b!tch. Details at 11".

   Suicide Bomber Training: "Pay attention because I'm only going to show you this once..."

   Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat." muhahahahaaa.,

   I just coughed and sneezed at the same time, I think I traveled 3 seconds into the future.

   I can't recall one time in my entire life that I've answered a phone call from a "restricted" number and then said, "Wow, I'm glad I answered that"

   I always mean what I say, but I don't always mean to say it out loud..

   going to McDonald's for a salad like going to a brothel for a hug....

   Putting your phone away and paying attention to those talking to you? There's an App for that. It's called "respect".

   was using a public restroom today and as I looked at the "posts" on the bathroom walls and the responses to each one, I realized where the idea for FB came from...

   it takes 42 muscles to frown, But it only takes 4 muscles to extend ur arm out and smack'em in the head...

   "Does size matter?" "Yes I told you 2 inches makes a huge difference. Now just buy the damn laptop dad, this conversation is creeping me out".

   The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public :-)

   Don't you wonder why people look back at the same spot when they trip over it? As if the sidewalk is going to talk back or laugh at them.

   The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail...

   I credit Tetris for the speed and agility I display when loading the dishwasher

   I can't wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.

   If you want to go running with me, you'd better be prepared to walk a lot.