Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot." you are wasting everybody's time.

   Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better

   Dear Men,if you are going to criticise a womans figure or any other aspect of her appearance please make 100% sure that you are Brad pitt or Johnny Depp...

   wants to say to the nice stranger he saw while driving around, "Next time you wave at me, use all of your fingers."

   my blond sister jus texted me and asked what does "idk" stand for? I said I dont know. she said OMG! nobody does!

   I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

   never apologizes. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am....

   There are a lot of pro bowlers in the NFL... I really admire two sport athletes.

   Almost a billion dollars have been spent on campaign ads so far. It's a good thing our schools and economy are in great shape or I'd be mad.

   Before updating my status l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

   Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the heck down.

   ever noticed on sponge bob that krusty crab is in bikini bottom...?

   it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

   Kindergarten class reunion? No way, man. Ive put on like, a hundred and fifty pounds since then.

   To my Family & Friends. There were probably many times this year when I may have disturbed you, troubled you, pestered you, irritated you, bugged you, or got on your nerves. So today I just wanted to tell you. Suck it up cupcake! There are NO CHANGES plan

   If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.

   The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that's coming.

   If you ever find yourself thinking...man I really need to go out and buy myself a Clay Aiken cd...please delete me as a Facebook friend

   Am I the only one that when somebody says "10 years ago", thinks about 90's instead of 2002?

   HOW can dogs sniff out bombs, save a guy from drowning, keep you from walking into traffic, but CANT figure out how to UNWRAP themselves from around a tree!