Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering how many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

   A child is like a mosquito: when it stops making a noise,you know it's up to something.

   Ran two miles. Ate two brownies. I regret nothing.

   just read that NASA is doing a $10 million dollar study to see if there are any dangers in a woman suffering from PMS to have her mentstrual cycle in zero gravity.... Hell yeah there are dangers. In a weightless enviorment, the physco b!tches can FLY

   My age? I'd rather not tell. Let's just say i'm somewhere between 25 and a Wal-Mart greeter.

   tried to mail you something cute for christmas but the postoffice took the stamp off my butt and asked me to leave...

   The worst feeling in the world is when you are in the middle of a good story and realize no one is listening to you.

   If your relationship has more issues than a magazine stand then I suggest you cancel that subscription!

   the deputy in the van did NOT think it was funny when I pulled along side the striped uniform worker and yelled "QUICK, GET IN!"

   I'm having one of those days where when I get home I'm going to lean against the door, and slide down it while dramatically sighing.

   I want to know... when someone says they are going to kick your ass, why do they punch you in the face?

   anyone going to tell America's Funniest Home Videos about youtube?

   Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?

   Dear Tampax... a few thoughts.. World peace.. Vibrating tampons... you're welcome.

   The Pinky Toe:The most sensitive part of your body when it comes to finding furniture in the Dark.

   Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.

   I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

   I miss the good old days when rock stars abused drugs and alchohol. Now they abuse auto-tune and Photoshop.

   Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"

   I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Microsoft Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my eleven page essay that I swear I didn't make any changes to.!