Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You had me at 0 mutual friends

   Winning a fight with your wife, is like winning a vacation to Detroit... Don't get too excited

   You play the victim so well, I'm surprise you don't carry around your own piece of chalk.

   If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.

   Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.

   The best thing about Valentine's Day is that it's over.

   Let's start a charity where we give cats to people who say goodnight to social networking sites.

   At my age, Friends with Insurance Benefits sounds just as appealing.

   I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

   Based on my current rate of income, I estimate a comfortable retirement about 200 years after my death.

   I wonder whose stadium will be the first to play "Who let the dogs out" when Michael Vick plays.

   Sometimes you feel like a million bucks..sometimes you feel like a foodstamp.

   wondering how many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

   A child is like a mosquito: when it stops making a noise,you know it's up to something.

   Ran two miles. Ate two brownies. I regret nothing.

   just read that NASA is doing a $10 million dollar study to see if there are any dangers in a woman suffering from PMS to have her mentstrual cycle in zero gravity.... Hell yeah there are dangers. In a weightless enviorment, the physco b!tches can FLY

   My age? I'd rather not tell. Let's just say i'm somewhere between 25 and a Wal-Mart greeter.

   tried to mail you something cute for christmas but the postoffice took the stamp off my butt and asked me to leave...

   The worst feeling in the world is when you are in the middle of a good story and realize no one is listening to you.

   You mean to tell me people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?