Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.

   If my absence doesn't alter your life, then my presence has no meaning in it.

   Dora has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had.

   NBA's first games start Christmas day....Worst Christmas present EVER!!

   Respect to the women who loved us at our worst when we had nothing, women who patiently watched us grow from boys to men, helped us work for everything we have today, blessed us with love, support and loyalty and never asked for anything in return.

   Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" is a clever little b@stard.

   I suggest we Drink!..... Before we go out Drinking!!

   TEIAM - problem solved

   Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.

   There's nothing worse than loving someone who's never going to stop disappointing you.

   Skinny jeans aren't for everybody...

   Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.

   Tip: if you're going to call out sick, make sure your co-workers aren't your FB friends and can see the pics you posted drunk last night

   Sunday marks the birth of America, which Americans celebrate by combining their love of drinking with their love of explosives.

   We have 50 friends in common and I still have no idea who the hell you are

   Whatever doesn't kill me makes me all like, "Whoa! That was close!"

   when I smash a bug on the wall or ceiling I like to keep it there as a warning to the others..

   You can do a thousand GOOD things and a a hundred GREAT things. But if you do just one BAD thing, people will remember you for that.

   The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.

   Somewhere, someone is thinking about you and the impact you made in their life.... It's not me, I think you're a prick.