Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't be stupid, if their ex is still calling its because they're still getting an answer.

   Like if you remember only having 3 TV channels to choose from and YOU were the remote!

   Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" is a clever little b@stard.

   I suggest we Drink!..... Before we go out Drinking!!

   TEIAM - problem solved

   Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.

   Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.

   There's nothing worse than loving someone who's never going to stop disappointing you.

   You can do a thousand GOOD things and a a hundred GREAT things. But if you do just one BAD thing, people will remember you for that.

   Tip: if you're going to call out sick, make sure your co-workers aren't your FB friends and can see the pics you posted drunk last night

   We have 50 friends in common and I still have no idea who the hell you are

   Whatever doesn't kill me makes me all like, "Whoa! That was close!"

   when I smash a bug on the wall or ceiling I like to keep it there as a warning to the others..

   The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.

   Somewhere, someone is thinking about you and the impact you made in their life.... It's not me, I think you're a prick.

   My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.

   Facebook needs a button that's the equivalent of kicking someone under the table to stop them from making a fool of themselves.

   If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling “IT'S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!

   I watched the deleted scenes from a p0rno last night. Turns out he did fix the washing machine after all.

   I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.