Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My backup plan is just my original plan but with more alcohol.

   I would like to think money won’t change me, but I got my stimulus check and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

   So what are we being offended by today? Sorry I missed the morning briefing.

   The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

   Need this election to be over so I can focus on holiday anxiety.

   I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.

   Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone's cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

   Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.

   If I've learned anything from social media, it's that we live on a planet that's disproportionately filled with inhabitants in possession of single digit IQ's.

   I thought we had something. You met my family, you made me dinner, you called me Honey. Now suddenly you are just a "waitress" who was "doing her job".

   I lost 3 pounds over the weekend.but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut

   I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after

   The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

   "When I'm dead, I'd like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole." - Humans

   The toilet roll situation has got so bad I have been forced to wipe with lettuce leaves. I fear its just the tip of the iceberg

   Gas so cheap right now I don't even shake the pump after I fill up.

   Had 21 minutes of doggie style sex last night. That's 3 minutes in human time.

   Not saying that women walmart shoppers have bad teeth. But when the woman in line in front of me smiled. The barcode scanner rang up a set of sauce pans.

   Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."

   I refused to buy my 6 year old nephew a Barbie doll for his birthday because I believe that Barbie dolls give little boys unrealistic expectations. There is no way you could rip a woman’s head off that easily.