Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For every action there is an equal and opposite overreaction in the media.

   The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.

   Girls, there is a FINE line between wearing makeup and looking like you just got gang-banged by crayola.

   Heart pounding, pupils dilated, fingers trembling, dry mouth, sweaty palms, rising feeling of panic... Where the hell has my phone gone?

   Dear anonymous teenager in Starbucks ... If your first phone cost more than your parents' first car, your life probably doesn't suck as much as you think.

   Maybe, just maybe, if we tell all these young people with their faces glued to their phones that the brain is an app, they'll start using it.....

   I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

   The best dates end with "I can't believe we did that"

   Today I went to work w/my clothes inside out and had chocolate pudding and popcorn for dinner. Wife has been gone ONE DAY & I am a toddler.

   1985: call me on the new line in my roo.m 2000: call me on my mobile flip phone 2015: don't call me

   Thank you, True Crime, for sayingthat was a reenactment. I was prettyupset your camera person didn’tstop that murder.

   LinkedIn Bans P rostitutes And E scorts! I wasn't even aware this service was available on LinkedIn. Why am I always late to the party?

   In honor of Father's Day, I came up with a bourbon and cookie diet that is going to make me so rich... And fat... And drunk... Well, at least two of those

   I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!

   Every day is a struggle to come to terms with the fact that they chose Tobey Maguire to play Spiderman.

   I'm not so good about doing the dishes. I just contemplated spreading peanut butter on bread - using scissors

   I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”

   Some people's lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.

   *at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin* Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure

   Last year for Christmas I got a sweater...this year I am hoping for a moaner or screamer.