Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's this app on my phone that makes me look ugly. It's called "Camera."

   How about adding "Be a nice person" to your bucket list. Any as*hole can jump out of a plane.

   Making a million friends is not a miracle. The miracle is to make a friend who will stand by you when millions are against you.

   Can someone please explain why I have to pay full price for Swiss Cheese

   They call themselves political “parties” because they expect the working class to clean up the mess after they've had their fun.

   According to astronomy, whenever you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years late. The star is dead. Just like your dreams.

   Just once, I'd like to see Punxsutawney Phil open a can of whoop-ass on the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.

   Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.

   Dear teeth whiteners. .. you have a set of teeth on the bottom too.. you're like the guys at the gym that don't do legs..

   Bill Clinton has been acting funny ever since Michael Douglas made that oral sex comment.

   The day Bruce Jenner finally snaps and locks his entire family in his Escalade and pushes it into his swimming pool just got one stupid baby name closer.

   Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger.

   Dear Pringles, Now that I am no longer a child, I cannot fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that.

   Yeah I'm married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT'S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

   What if we CAN breathe in space and they just don't want us to escape?

   FACEBOOK is the second most popular word that starts with "F" and ends with "K" ; )

   I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. I’m having wine for dinner.

   Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...

   Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.

   TIP: If you've forgotten your Bluetooth headset, wearing sunglasses indoors is an equally effective douchebag indicator.