Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Dr. Oz" sounds like the guy you'd buy shrooms from in community college.

   You can tell whether or not your relationship is going to last by simply watching her eat a Popsicle.

   Never trust a woman with smelly armpits.

   Gotta hand it to midgets sometimes. You know, cause they can't reach and all.

   Ladies: Can we have more head and less headaches please!!

   When your favorite song comes on and you excitedly say "Yo this is my jam!" You should know, I die a little bit inside for knowing you.

   Living on Earth may be expensive...but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun :)~

   A Tibetian Mastiff was sold in China for 600,000 dollars. You can buy the same dog in Vietnam for 5 dollars and it includes a side of fries and a drink.

   Internet postings show that the Northwest Airlines terrorism suspect was depressed and lonely. Apparently the thought of arriving in Detroit just put him over the edge.

   Ran into a flasher today, but it's so cold out he handed me a picture instead!

   believes that if you tellyour boss what you really thinkof him, the truth will set youfree.

   Thank You Mr. Edible Underwear Maker: You combined two of mans favorite things Panties and Food. They're a snack, they're underwear, they're a snack AND underwear. Brilliant! Nothing says, "I want you" like a mouthful of underpants!!!!

   My life is based on a true story.

   Fat bottomed girls, You make the rockin' world go round.

   I'm not a tease, I'm just a reminder of what you can't have

   thinks Cupid should upgrade to a crossbow and dip his arrows in Rohypnol to help out the really ugly people.

   What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? About 45 lbs

   how much dryer detergent do you put in the dryer?

   This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being

   So glad republicans don't ever riot or protest. They have guns but they also have respect for democracy