Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   take today to remember those that died in the St. Valentine's Day Massacre in 1929.

   Never trust a gut feeling on an empty stomach.

   Sorry ladies but there is more to it than getting naked and saying, "Come get it daddy"

   There's a fine line between mandatory overtime shifts and a hostage situation.

   When you're stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate, and sweets. Why? Because STRESSED spelled backwards spells DESSERTS. ;)

   We do it on the bed,on the kitchen counter,on the floor and in the backseat of a car.Gosh...we text EVERYWHERE!

   Don't blame Congressman Weiner. He was hacked by his evil twin Oscar Meyer.....

   My day is not complete until I get someone to shake their head.

   If you refuse to argue, you automatically win the argument.

   Someone prank call me, I'm bored.

   I think I’d rather be asleep than woke. They seem to be so unhappy

   The more people mention Trump, even in a joke, the more publicity he gets. Thanks for fueling the Trump Machine.

   Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance: the five stages of me getting up every morning!

   Celebrity drug dealers are having the worst fiscal year...They're gonna need a government bailout..

   I pissed a taxi driver off today. I told him to reverse all the way to my house. He had to pay me $8.20

   Just bought forty copies of Justin Bieber's latest CD as Christmas presents for all those who really pissed me off throughout 2011.

   You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo?

   I wonder if people with eye patches thought.....I See You!

   The movie "Ted" is just Stewie and Rupert grown up

   Wondering if it's ok to ask someone with an eye patch,,,,, "Well, was it all fun and games up to that point?"