Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Congrats Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Peace Prize in Medicine. And also for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.....

   That 5 second rule regarding dropped food doesn't mean much when you have a 2 second dog.

   The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

   Manti Te'o's girlfriend confirmed that Brian Williams was on the helicopter

   Only 11 minutes of Shade? Save money and go rent Basic Instinct with Sharon Stone instead!

   There are three gurantees in life. Death, Taxes, and elbow macaroni stays in your cabinet until you move.

   Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I'm still putting butter on them!!

   We all hold our hand out for help in this life. The goal should be to have your palm down more often than up.

   My psychiatrist prescribed me an odd number of pills for my OCD and I'M THE ONE WHO'S CRAZY?!

   On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.

   My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it's ok, it was in my pocket.

   This woman just flipped me off and I couldn't agree more.

   Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd

   When you think your life couldn't be any more pathetic, remember some people have more than 1 Facebook account.

   I'm posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they're making ceramic bowls.

   The therapist at my bulimia support group asked if I had anything I'd like to bring up. How insensitive can you get!

   I've been taking my Flintstones' vitamins daily, but I still can't start a car with my feet.

   Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light

   Kids today will never know the pain of the Dewey Decimal system and how to catalog library books on index cards.

   I hear birds chirping. Either I'm up way too late or I've banged my head cartoon style.