Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i think next time I'm out drinkin I'm gunna pull the label of my last beer and stick it on my shoulder just in case I get pulled over... that way I can say "no I havent officer, I'm on the patch"

   When I die, I give you permission to change my status to, "is dead."

   "You don't marry the person you can live with...You Marry the person You cant live without!"

   ..Elizabeth Edwards leaves hubby John out of will. Somewhere in NY, Bill Clinton sits nervously, wondering

   I can honestly say that I have never left a room just because the carpet didn't match the drapes.

   Breaking news Arizona shooting suspect pleads not guilty...If he's not guilty, O.J don't wear gloves.

   Our houses are protected by the good Lord and a gun, And you might meet 'em both if you show up here not welcome son

   This white girl took me home last night. She wanted me to prove to her what they say about black guys is true....so I stabbed her and took her purse.

   This Christmas I'm gonna party like it's $19.99.....

   Bella: I know what you are. Edward: Say it Bella.Say it out loud. Bella: GAYYYYYYYY.

   Congrats you survived pandemic by getting your shots so your reward is World War III

   s Akon 2006 "I wanna f**k you" .. Akon 2008 " I wanna make love right now na na na" .. Akon 2010 "I just had sex!" .. poor guy waited 4 years!

   feels like something funny is gonna happen...I'm sitting next to a blackman, whiteman and a chineseman. I'm just waiting on the punchline!

   If you watch cinderella backwards its about a woman getting put in her place.

   Call a Random Phone Number and say "They didn't make the drop Kill him" them hang up. Project Mayhem.

   My EX sent me a text today saying "Happy Anniversary" I replied, best one yet.

   I just watched a dude squeeze a lime into his beer, but I'm afraid if I say anything he'll hit me with his purse.

   I overhead my neighbor on the phone telling someone I was creepy and weird. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under her bed to confront her!

   Women complain that they should be treated more equally. OK fine. Next time a ship sinks in the ocean, you ladies don't get to get off first.

   Just beat a mime to death with my air guitar.