Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw a sign that said "Falling Rocks"....I tried it.....it doesn't.

   Apparently, it's illegal to set up deer stands..... especially at petting zoos, even during deer season.... Lesson learned.... next year I will set up at a non-petting zoo.

   I was calm, until you told me to calm down.

   Women find it rude if you blatantly want to sleep with them. But they find even ruder if you don't.

   No honey you are not fat. You are just too sexy that it overflows.

   Laugh and the world laughs with you. Keep laughing and they'll lock you up.

   I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I(heart) Duck"...it tastes like chicken. I said "No it doesn't". Then I realized I was talking to a bumper sticker.

   Sometimes you have to look back to see just how far you HAVE come. Dont dwell on the past. Things and people move into the past for a reason and do not make it into your present and future for a reason. You look back to gain perspective, not to gain doubt

   Sometimes relationships don't work out because of timing, but most of the time it's because someone is an as$hole.

   I think cops should yell "PICKACHUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" before they taze someone

   Dear MacGuyver,,,I've enclosed a yoyo, three pennies, and mentos... Please save the rainforest.....Love, Snotty

   I'm sure both Justin and Selena already have new boyfriends

   FYI - Valentines Day is only 4 days away... It's not too late to break up.

   I just got done doing 5 sets of diddly squats.

   What wine goes well with 16 Advil?

   If there is anything I learned from 80's movies is that I'm the best around.. and nothings ever gonna keep me down.

   Old McDonald had a farm. He also had a redheaded goth son named Ronald who did acid,, and flipped hamburgers,, and talked to purple blobby things.

   Don't hate me because I just woke up from a nap. Hate me because I am about to take another!

   If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.

   Not every relationship is to learn a life lesson. Sometimes it's for a new steak marinade, unsafe sexual position or where not to vacation.