Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In a movie, if there is big fish tank and someone has a gun, you can bet they're gonna shoot that fish tank and it's gonna be great.

   How old are you before it can be said you died of old age?

   You're only young once. If you act like an idiot after that, you're gonna need a new excuse.

   more frustrated than an Amish electrician

   Another sad news in the music industry, Justin Bieber was found in his apartment, ALIVE

   How do you change the world? One single act of random kindness at a time. Everyone needs to forget about unrealistic New Year's resolutions... Pledge to do something you can actually do daily and it works: Be nice to others.

   The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

   If you cant stand behind our troops, feel free to to stand in front of them!

   wonders why men never want to play with the baby, just the box it came in!

   Took a nap today... Fell asleep watching golf and woke up and softball was on. That might explain the dream with the lesbians.

   When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.

   Kim and Kanye can now take baby North to visit Grandma and Tranpa!

   Whitney Houston found dead in the tub, her daughter found unresponsive in a bathtub, maybe that family should start taking showers.

   What idiot named it toilet paper instead of crapkins

   Shout out to all the females that are gonna be on their period on Valentines Day.

   If I give a chick my heart and she CHEAT i'm going to leave our sex tape on her parents front door and label it "FAMILY REUNION"

   Whatever, England. Our Kate had eight children.

   While you make her cry, another guy listens, understands her and makes her feel special. But you are not worried because you think and believe she only likes him as a friend forgetting that a shoulder to cry on can quickly turn into a d*ck to ride on.

   Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparently she’d stood him up.

   I like to wear Grocery store uniforms and tell homeless people that I'm there to repo the shopping cart.