Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a confession: All of my posts are stolen word-for-word from the repair manual for the 1974 Oldsmobile Cutlass...

   Guys with unibrows, you may think it's unmanly to pluck that sh!t, but it's far more unmanly to never get laid.

   You can love your country without having to love your government.

   Whenever I see a guy in jean shorts I feel sad that he has nobody in his life to say, "You really shouldn't wear those."

   I accidentally bumped into my ex today... with my car... at 60mph... on purpose.

   my girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate, so I got myself another girlfriend

   Have you ever said goodbye to someone before a long trip or even to leave somewhere for good, but you end up having to come back moments later for something you forgot? Does it make the original goodbye lose all of its sentimental value? Just wondering...

   The guy who named the Iceland volcano "Eyjafjallajokull" must have fallen asleep on his keyboard

   Sometimes, late at night, I stop by Walgreens and switch up all the colors in the hair dye kits.

   You can go pretty much go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

   I test drove a BMW and much to my surprise,,, ALL the blinkers worked!................ Explain that,, All you owners

   Why is that every time I visit someone, I have to take a dump, and their bathroom is right there near where everyone is sitting and I'm about to expel what will sound like a 21 gun salute at Niagara Falls.

   I tried killing a spider with glitter body spray. Now it won't stop stripping and I have to call it Cinnamon.

   Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he's making noises with his gum

   Ladies, when you expect a guy 2 be completely honest with u, I laugh. you women wear heels- UR not that tall, you wear makeup- you don't look like that, you color you hair- UR not a blonde. Everything about you is a lie & you expect a man to tell you the

   I'm officially changing my TV remote's name to Waldo.

   I got new deodorant yesterday... The instructions said remove top and push up bottom... My bum really hurts but everytime I fart the room smells awesome

   CNN News: Android users will soon be able to unlock their phones using facial recognition. *Not available in China

   Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.

   I hate it when I forget to turn my swag off at night and I wake up covered in b!tches.