Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Maybe nows a good time to change my status from aethist to very religious and it's complicated.

   thinking maybe Doritos can bring back my love life like it did for Grandpa...

   I'm home alone on a Saturday watching a show about flying planes in Alaska. Can't I just meet a nice girl on craigslist that will come over and kill me?

   You are the result of 4 billion years of evolution. The least you can do is act like it.

   A smart man just marries the right woman, even if it does take him years to find her.

   Missing wife and dog. Reward for dog.

   I don't know what it is that you're doing to make it appear as if you're really stupid, but whatever it is, it's really working

   This status sucks!

   Kristen Stew@rt is apologizing for "everything she has done", which I'm assuming includes the Twilight series.

   My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry... In my defense, I didn't even know she sold jewelry.

   Might love you quicker if you bring me more Liquor.

   For those of you who can't be with the one you love because she doesn't understand that you're destined to be together, Happy Restraining Order Day!

   Fact: White girls with cornrows are gonna try to put stuff in your butt.

   It's perfectly OK to pretend that you're Irish on St. Patrick's Day. You pretend you're good on Christmas, don't you?

   thinks it's great that my truck will tell me when I have low air pressure in one of my tires...nut it would be even better if it told me WHICH freaking tire needed the air!!

   The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"

   Sure fire way to really annoy a woman - tell her she is being too dramatic and overreacting. .

   Began training today for my new career in mixed martial arts and crafts.

   I bet there is nothing a hug from a panda can't fix.

   News knowledge is important. I was discussing with a guy about the Gaza Strip. He thought it was the adhesive side of a maxi pad.