Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone else ever get disappointed when they hear the Emergency Broadcasting System and it turns out it's just a test. For once, I want to hear them say "Locate the nearest axe and seek shelter, zombies are over running the streets"...

   Women who say that men only want to have is sex are the women who have nothing else to offer than that.

   Does anyone know if we can claim the farm credit on our taxes for playing games on Facebook?

   I bet that Innkeeper in Bethlehem really regretted that whole “no room” thing.

   I'm hoping for major changes in 2012. Like getting ice out of the freezer and not having one piece always falling on the floor.

   If you are what you eat, I'm fast, cheap, and bad for you.

   I read an article the other day that said "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic" thank god I only drink every night!!

   I just put a cat & a mouse in a cage and I must say, this is nothing like Tom & Jerry.

   My favorite color is Vodka.

   Remember, there can be only one interesting person per relationship.

   I try to have garage sales but as soon as anyone shows a slight interest in something I take it back into the house & look at it with pride.

   I have found that the best earmuffs are the inside of a women's thighs.

   I have given up on browsing online dating websites and have moved on to the SPCA Cat Adoptions page instead.

   A woman's fanny is like a shed roof. If you don't nail it hard enough, it will end up next door.

   You can tell a lot about a new neighbor by how they react when they find you hiding under their bed.

   When someone texts you 'k', just reply, "L M N O P Q R S T you V W X why Z"

   Whoever came up with the term "one tough cookie" had no idea about the structural integrity of baked goods.

   How you get sleepy after crying, It's like your mind is telling you, “you've suffered enough, it's time to shut down for a bit.”

   My house looks like a tornado sat around all day and watched TV.

   When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's called lunar assault & it isn't funny