Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a sneaking suspicion that Elton John couldn’t have cared less about how tight Susie wore her dresses.

   I accidentally drank two energy drinks this morning and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

   How can you tell that the truth is being told? When Facebook blocks it, Twitter deletes it, Google hides it, Youtube bans it, the media censor it, and the government forbids it.

   I think I just saw the Mucinex family walking out of Wal-Mart.

   When life hands you Don Lemon, change the channel.

   A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already

   I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.

   United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.

   2016: Trump elected 2018: Border wall completed 2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics..

   I have my headphones on, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart.

   You know it's a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.

   Maybe I'm old school, but I like women with eyebrows actually made out of hair.

   If Biden had a quarter for every smart thing he ever said, he’d have two dimes.

   No person who calls themselves the President of the United States should be on vacation while the world crumbles down around them.

   April fool's day idea: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says "Now voice activated!" Sit back & watch the magic unfold.

   I'd like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...

   So Cardi B singing about her WAP is good and Dr Suess is bad. Got it.

   A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.

   Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.

   There are no Walmart stores in Syria, only Targets.