Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope your favorite football team wins so that it changes your life in no way whatsoever.

   How soon after eating lunch is it ok to eat lunch again?

   You would think there would be at least one extraterrestrial in a Miss Universe contest.

   I don't understand why people pay big money for a colon cleaning when they can go to their nearest Taco Bell and order a bean burrito for a buck!

   Well,, The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

   I'm not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

   Who remembers the good old days, when people use to communicate by email?

   Million Dollar Idea: Smoke detector with the setting "Just Burnt Food."

   Thank God for that warning label, I was about to use this lamp in the shower.

   I don't know all the answers but I do know you'll probably feel better if you set something on fire.

   Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.

   Whenever my Girlfriend says she's going to "hit the sack" I instinctively cover my balls just in case.

   Life doesn't come with a remote, so get off your a$$ and change it.

   When it's the only thing standing between you and your comfortable bed, brushing your teeth seems like a huge hassle.

   "I'd choose a lazy person to do the hardest job, because they'll surely find an easy way to do it" -Bill Gates proud to be lazy anyone?

   One man's "trauma" is another man's "most hilarious thing I've ever seen."

   Being single is great! Except for the paying for everything yourself part.

   Can't call it a real relationship if you feel single.

   It so crazy to see how many people are shocked by honesty, and how few by deceit.

   Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.