Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People need to realize that they cant control wether or not their partner cheats on them.

   Tonight right before LeBron makes his announcement, Kayne West is going to jump on stage, grab the mic, and say "LeBron, LeBron.. You're a great ball player, but Michael Jordan is the best of all time." Then jump off stage.

   Did 4000 eyelid lifts today.......I am tired. time for bed.

   ..have you noticed that when you take "the" and "IRS" and put them together,it spells "theirs"?

   Being called beautiful is miles better than hot or sexy..

   trying to decide whether Scooby Snacks or a can of Popeye's spinach would help more in a fight

   Moving sucks! Why hasn't anyone invented Copy and Paste for real life?

   would if be cruel to kidnap a man and keep him for purely sexual reasons?

   I have 2 tons of that white global warming arctic packing material in my driveway right now going by the undercover name of "snow".

   Peyton Manning's forehead is large enough to show an Imax movie.

   Another epic rematch coming up. The US vs Canada in men's Olympic hockey. The loser gets to keep Justin Beiber!

   We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids,,,, a game known to most other people as Being Poor.

   My wife is in a bad mood. I think her boyfriend forgot their anniversary... Way to go, dude. Now we all suffer...

   Not to brag or anything,,, but I got the high score on my bathroom scale today.

   The way my kids act at Walmart, it's just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!

   Well I failed my drivers test today. The instructor asked me what I do at Redlights, and I said, "Text and Facebook"

   I could've sworn my last status update was funny, but I won't argue. You guys know best.

   POUR SOME HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP ON ME!!!!

   I'm not saying she's a sl*t but whenever she eats a banana in public, she puts one hand behind her head.

   "We have a history" = "we used to have sex"