Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my girlfriend said I could tie her up and do anything I wanted. So I tied her to the bed face down, and went fishing.

   Dear Nike, I did it. Now what happens? Sincerely, Pregnant teen.

   am I the only one when my mom enters the room while I am on the computer, switch to goole and just stare at it?

   95% of American drivers say "oh sh!t!" before driving into a ditch... The other 5% are rednecks saying "hold my beer and watch this sh!t."

   If you can go the entire car ride without eating some of your french fries, you're obviously some type of sorcerer.

   I don't like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

   Every time I'm not with my kid and someone asks me "Where's the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.

   Dear rappers, please stop putting police sirens in your music. When I'm driving it scares the crap out of me.

   Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP' out loud instead of just in my head.

   I don't need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure

   If I'm old enough to be your mother we can't date. Just kidding. Go ask for your allowance and buy me a drink.

   Someone told me: Don't fall in love, you might get hurt. I said: Don't live, you might die..

   When Asian tourists ask me to take their picture for them; I always say, "Okay let's do one more but this time don't squint

   I think its my mom's birthday. I should unblock her on facebook and check.

   At this point I'm guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds

   If a woman raises her voice during an argument she's really saying, "STOP THROWING LOGIC AT ME WHEN I'm TRYING TO BE IRRATIONAL!"

   I don't know why the FCC is always complaining about sex on tv. A little sex on tv never hurt anyone.....unless you fall off.

   I just want to be held.....against my will.....by a tribe of sex crazed amazon women.

   Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

   I bet you're naked under those clothes... You slut