Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Google self-driving car should have an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.

   THOUGHT about getting outta bed, still thinking, still thinking

   Every time I see Renee Zellweger on screen I want to hand her an antihistamine.

   Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

   ......Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."

   wondering if it's bad when the cops knock on your door, and two others go around back..........and they have a camera crew..

   You can't choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.

   The worst feeling in the world is when you hear someone with heels heading your direction, sounding like a real hot babe, only to find out its either some old hag or a guy with coowboy boots on, fml!

   Now if we can land Kim Kardashian, on a comet

   Taylor should Have Grab The Mic from Kanye west and Said "im sorry, but MLK jr. Had the best speech of all time"

   Every Sunday is like an episode of CSI... I have to figure out where I was, what I did, and who I did!

   Whenever I set the voice on my GPS to 'Bon Jovi' it just keeps telling me "We're half way there".

   Why are you sending this chain mail to me? I'm dead from the last one you sent.

   Just read an article about an invasive species of shrimp in U.S. waters that are up to 13 inches in length and weigh up to a 1/4 pound............................................... Give me some c0cktail sauce and I will personally do what I can to help.

   Dear Jesus, I can afford wine. How about you start turning water into gas?

   Don't let loneliness drive you back into the arms of someone you know doesn't give a damn about you.

   I don't want to make anyone jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the hat I wore in high-school.

   When someone talks to you and that little drop of spit shoots out there mouth and onto u. you all play it off.. but inside ur like (°°) wtf!

   Wondering if I can purchase "I'm Sixty and I know it" by LMFAO & Madonna on ITunes.

   The grass is greener on the other side because my neighbors are Mexican