Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I see ur playing hard to get, now watch me play walk away.

   making my own four loko in a blender: a bottle of vodka, 4 red bulls, a bottle of cherry nyquil and a McRib. I'll be in the bathroom if you need me.

   Reasons why Alcohol should be served at work...its an incentive to show up

   We can forgive Ireland's $70 billion debt. But we must never forgive them for Riverdance.

   I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.

   God Bless the Chilian miners and there familes for going through tough times!!

   The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

   Whenever I hear a woman say, "I dont need a man" ...all I hear is, "I cant get a man"

   Took a laxative and drank a Red Bull. Sitting on the toilet waiting for launch!

   If you've never held your baby in the air while your wife tries to squirt breastmilk in its mouth from across the room then you're a failure as a parent..

   I dont need anger management classes. You need STFU classes

   This years NBA season so far has been the best one I can ever remember

   Mom, I'm 16 now. Can I have a Bra? ...No, Justin.

   As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

   Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

   The chicken never actuall crossed the road... it was a government conspiracy to distract us from the real problem at hand... Where the hell is Waldo?

   thinks chicken patties are just really big chicken nuggets...

   gonna head to the freezer to warm up a bit

   February. It's not a leap year, but feel free to take a flying one anyway.

   the middle class does not exist. If you believe you are part of the middle class, it just means you're rich and insecure or poor and misinformed.