Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No matter what I do, I cannot get any kudos from my girlfriend. If I walked on water she'd say, "What, you can't swim?"

   People wearing neckbraces should wear a t-shirt explaining why.

   Just saw a hot girl delivering pizza. NOT in porn--for an actual job. The American economy is worse than we realize

   If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don't live longer, just seems longer.

   pretty sure I can beat just about anyone up, I've seen the karate kid atleast 30 times

   Remember when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bi**h slap them!

   feels like a Fruit Loop trapped in a box of Cheerios...

   very temperamental - 50% temper and 50% mental.

   just wants to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes CAN change your life!!

   's Words of Wisdom: Mondays are God's punishment for what you did during the weekend!

   Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.

   BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake account mocking the oil company. Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak that's ruining the ocean.

   If you can get one person to smile then your day was worth while.............

   I think the dentist is mad at me. She came back into the office and was like, "I know I said get comfortable, but I'm gonna need you to put your pants back on." Well I'm gonna need you to be a bit more specific next time!

   Sometimes, I feel really lonely, especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

   The problem with your face is that it looks like you.

   I don't take compliments well. Or criticism. You know what, just don't talk to me.

   Why can we develop silencers for handguns but not vacuums?

   The best feeling i've ever had is making someone laugh after crying

   Sometimes I hear music so bad that I think the government should also enforce a five-day waiting period for buying a guitar.