Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw an ad on Craigslist that said "Radio for sale. $1 as is. Volume stuck on full." I thought "Wow! I can't turn this down!"

   Most people don't think I'm as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

   It doesn't matter what it is. It's automatically cool if it Glows in the dark.

   Grant me the opiates to accept the things I cannot change, the stimulants to change the things I can + the mixture to know the difference.

   Mom: clean up ur room! We're having guests over for dinner Me: sorry, I didn't realize we were having dinner in my room.

   Facebook keeps asking me, "What's on your mind?", it's like dating someone with low self-esteem.

   Snow white lived with all those men & didn't once do any "favors" to get out of housework? Now THAT's a fairy tale.

   Life and beer are very similar........chill for best results.

   How quick she mentions her husband/fiancé/boyfriend is directly related to how creeped out she is by you.

   I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with a baseball bat.

   Hey Facebook, I really don't care that a friend of mine commented on someone else's status or photo.

   Anyone know where I could find a bunch of "Glad You Aren't Here" postcards to send out when I go on my vacation in a few weeks? I'll need about 50 of them.

   You can tell you're a real John Wayne kind of man when it doesn't even matter what color bendy straw you use in your chocolate milk.

   I wouldn't say I'm an alcoholic. I'd slur it.

   Girls love shoes... so if she throws one at you, you know she's really pissed off.

   Yes, I hate you,,, but I'm not in hate, with you.

   If you want to see how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they're already mad.

   that annoying feeling that results from when I comment on someones status/pic and they dont respond but when the next person does..they write a novel response and yet still ignoring my comment and I'm stuck in between

   Here's a Christmas Idea for yas... Cheech and Chong advent calendars with 1 gram of different weed a day .

   My Dad: People overcome adversity all the time son... Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?