Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ovens are a lot like sex. Women want them preheated first - Men just shove it in and don't care.

   “People will always talk about you. Might as well give them something to talk about.”

   If there's no bacon, it's not breakfast.

   I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.

   Really no offense ladies,but why do all of you go on about your weight..then post all this food that would clog and artery...

   Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.

   When pharmacist gets sick....... Does the doctor give him a taste of his own medicine?

   You're entitled to your opinion and I'm entitled to judge you for it

   Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I'm like, "Nope. I'm good."

   Fish don't seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.

   What's the acceptable amount of days for someone to say, "Happy New Year!" before you're allowed to punch them in the face for abusing the line?

   Can't Brad and Angelina just adopt North Korea?

   love screwing with the minds of the foreign telemarketers "Oh my name is Perry, like Terry but with a P as in Pterodactyl."

   Punxsutawney Phil did not see Manti Te'o's girlfriend either today.

   I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don't understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.

   Listen lady, if you stop screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.

   My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

   October is breast cancer awareness month. So I stare, ladies.... cuz I care

   blames everyone for his problems."Except Shaggy, because we all know it wasn't him".

   Don't sweat the small stuff. Don't sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty butt elsewhere.