Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time Man of the Year. Ironically, Facebook has been named Time Waster of the Year.

   I haven't seen Democrats this pissed since they were forced to free their slaves.

   Not to be rude but how fast food workers feel that 15 dollars an hour is realistic when they can't even get my 1 dollar cheeseburger correct?!?

   Not a lot of people know this, but if you dress up like a pirate and go into Red Lobster, you eat for free.

   Let me be the first to say, I don't give a fly monkey kcuf the Kardashians are back. . .

   Which came first. . . social media or dumb people? AND which is worse. . . the overdoing of selfies OR not knowing how to use the English language?

   I've set my "life goals" to stuff I've already done so literally every day now I'm overachieving. It's all about perspective.

   Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.

   I'm fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn't know I was pregnant, fat.

   RIP Mrs Kotter

   Looking for pornography? Type literally any letter into my search bar

   FYI: You find out if the NSA is listening to your call by singing SWEET CAROLINE and if more than one voice responds with bum bum bum THEN YOU KNOW

   I have never met a US Congressman I didn't find completely honest and extremely intelligent. However I may need to add I have never met a US Congressman.

   Spilled a my redbull on my phone this morning, now my phone wont come out of airplane mode

   It's Friday the 13th. Good thing I'm not superstitious, it's unlucky to be superstitious...

   Nothing turns a close knit family into a bunch of cage fighters like the question of "Who wants to lick the spoon of cake batter?"... 

   To the person who just mass messaged me that heart felt "Merry Christmas" text, I thought you should know everyone says "Thanks". ..All 115 of them.

   I'm "when wrestling was the WWF, not WWE" years old.

   I went to a pool party in 1998 with the time listed as 5-? on the invitation. I'm still here. Wrap it up guys there's so much I haven't done

   ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool.