Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry that we haven't named a new Pope yet. We aren't done with all of the background checks.

   I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex, she said she's be having sex with an as*hole for years.

   White smoke!!! Great, now we can all go back to bashing Obama and gun control

   please tell me what expression I had that made you talk to me so I can change it...

   You would be better prepared for the day if each morning, the first thing you do is remind yourself that nobody gives a sh I t.

   When you don't wear makeup I feel like I'm cheating on you with your brother.

   Theres always is that one plastic cup or Tupperware dish that flips upside in the dishwasher...

   Studies conclude that labs cause cancer in rats.

   Don't fall in love. Fall into a fire. Its less painful.

   Mistakes are very fond of me.

   I just sneezed and farted simultaneously while peeing, I think I saw god.

   Why can't we just have Shark Month and Black History Week?

   This girl I know has a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, I swear you could smell the ocean.

   Ladies, if you love a man, set him free. If he comes back he will be yours forever. If he doesn't, the new chick probably does anil.

   Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called Wedding Cake.

   When meeting your girlfriend's parents for the first time it's hard not to think to yourself... "I've licked your daughter's nipples."

   in a relationship with Jack Daniel's.

   Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman

   If your relationship status says, "It's complicated", you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "single"

   16 and pregnant? What about 18 and graduated ? 22 and successful?