Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I never use a smiley face in any of the texts I send you.....it's safe to say I don't like you.

   Kids are just the best drugs. 5 nights of no sleep and I'm dizzy, sweaty, blurry, confused and can't walk a straight line. Who wants some?

   There's no business like minding your own business

   I think maybe the key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

   If you can wipe it off with a wet towel, it's not beauty.

   I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 18 minutes

   My outgoing message: Hi,, I'm gonna be honest, I screen people I don't want to talk to,,, You can leave a message, but if you heard this,,,,,It's you

   So this girl was like, “I wanna have your children” and I was like, “okay, but you’ll have to ask their mom first.”

   There's only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.

   When someone says "You owe me one"....I just hand them a dollar and get that sh*t done with.

   Damn, for living in a trailer home in the woods you sure know a lot of government secrets

   Today was somewhat embarrassing. It was only after I started dancing in the food court - alone - that I learned flash mobs are planned.

   Chips have little nutritional value. That's why you need to eat the whole bag.

   Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don't you ever smile in my pictures?

   I love driving behind old people. You can get so much done: eat breakfast, lunch and dinner, read a book... write a book, etc.

   Alec Baldwin's narration voice is a symphony of creepy. He makes a floating glacier sound like a pedophile drifting into a playground.

   There's a little "I'm jealous" in every "whatever."

   Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .

   When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change...

   I want to meet the teenage versions of my parents.