Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We celebrate Labor Day by not working. Which is kind of like celebrating Arbor Day by paving the backyard.

   Dear Bed, I love you.

   I just watched a show about a person who was addicted to pizza. I believe the technical name for this condition is "normal."

   hates it when the doctor tells me I'm going to feel a slight sensation... *shudder*

   Ringing in the "New Year" apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late... in October.

   I remember when the phrase "I'm completely bald" only referred to your head.

   A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?" "Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

   if i'd have killed her when I met her, I'd be out of jail by now.

   if court experience is a must for Obama's Supreme Court selection... I say go with Charlie Sheen

   everybody needs sex. we need stories to tell are friends. Like "the prostitute gave the money back... no lie."

   This whole time you've been worried about dying from unhealthy burgers, but now you find out that drinking water with a McDonalds Shrek glass is what's going to kill you. Go figure

   I just learned that to burn off the calories from 1 M&M you have to walk the length of a football field. BRB I have to run to China.

   Dear Santa...Thank You for the response, but telling me to review my web browser history, wasn't what I meant! But, well played Santa...Well played...

   Some people measure success by the position one has mastered in life....mines doggy....

   I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.

   Can't we just b friends????....a consolation prize for all those wasted years

   I hate to see my food go to waist.

   There's a fine line between looking for someone who makes you happy and looking for someone who makes you horny. . .

   Come one Southwest Airlines...either train your pilots how to navigate a plane well enough to land at the right airport or allow the pilot's wife to ride along so she can make sure he doesn't land a jumbo jet at a small county airport.

   It astonishes me that some people say we are all unique and different yet they believe in horoscopes.