Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hillary Clinton may become the first F president. Sorry, I meant female but the emale got deleted.

   When I see a couple sharing the same facebook account I always want to ask them which one of you got caught having an affair

   Snoring is just God's way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.

   Looks like someone spent more time at the gym than in English class...

   I didn't sign up for the 401k at work, because there's no way I can run that far.

   It’s been five minutes since Adobe asked me to install an update. I hope they didn't go out of business or something.

   I went to Walmart twice today. Once for groceries. Once because I just wanted to feel pretty but didn't want to get out of my pajamas.

   It's pure comedy to watch Kim & Kourtney complain about paparazzi when they get paid to have cameras follow them for the reality show.

   Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you

   Today I changed my name in my dads phone to God and when he swore I texted him saying "I HEARD THAT!" The look on his face; priceless.

   Girl says "if you dont like what I post then dont read it or delete me", now I'm getting messages in my inbox from the girl not understanding why I deleted her.

   Anyone know the price of Subway footlongs? Wished they tell us somehow

   Our Grandpa died of a V!agra overdose,,, and to this day, we still regret not burying him just a few inches deeper...

   I just had an epifanny. I realized I can't spell epifanny.

   Boobs are like the sun, you can only take quick glances, but wear sunglasses and you can look until the world ends.

   Politicians should wear uniforms like NASCAR so we can see who their corperate sponsors are.

   I think I owe my right hand a Valentines Day card!

   found a squirrel trapped in a birdfeeder and can't help but feel like I should leave it in there a few hours to think about what he has done

   Thanks to the State Farm Insurance Commercial now I want a Falcon

   Because it's the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you're welcome