Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tired of everyone taunting and cursing you? Do you feel, no one cares about you anymore? Pressure at work? Feel like running away from this boring life?Fly Malaysian Airlines ✈.. And GET LOST..✈

   So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I'm pretty sure it the refrigerator.

   “Check under the hood, dumbass.” – The Clitoris

   Why yes, I will be getting drunk tonight! Thanks for asking!

   Apparently my girlfriend has no problem putting my d*ck in her mouth but she won't let me touch her if I don't wash my hands right after I pee coz that's disgusting.

   Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

   This just isn't my day... It could be raining t*tties and I'd get hit in the head with a d*ck...

   Prediction: in 40 years medicare will cover tattoo removal.

   If I really lived every day like it's my last, I would have diabetes and multiple STD's.

   Don't be judgmental. We're all screwed up.

   Glow in the dark condoms. Now you see it, now you don't! Now you see it, now you don't! Now you see it, now you don't! ...

   Just put on 12 Nickelback songs and walked out of the bar

   The three phases of love: 1. XOXO 2. XXX 2. EX

   If Gillette made toilet paper, we'd be up to 4 or 5 plys by now.

   If you're wondering at what point I stopped caring, it was pretty much when you said, "Hi, my name is _________."

   You can say anything about the Amish on Facebook, there not going to see it.

   Maybe fake people will pretend to be real on Halloween.

   I'm pretty sure the best thing about Facebook is the ability to read other people's fights.

   "From what I can remember" is the best way to start a story.

   The best place to survive a zombie apocalypse is where it most likely began. Walmart.