Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "hey, isn't smoking weed illegal?" replies, "Hey aren't half the songs on your iPod stolen?"

   If Charlie Brown comes to your house trick or treating this Sunday, please give that kid some candy. That poor kid has been getting just rocks since 1966!

   So...I met this really nice girl at closing time last night. Granted, she's missing both her front teeth but Christmas is coming, right?!? I think it can work...

   I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.

   I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.

   My vacuum cleaner doesn't suck as much as it used to, it must have gotten married.

   Women- God's version of a Rubik's cube.

   Actions speak louder than Facebook posts...

   They let an Asian drive the plane?

   We don't have to have sex, let's just see if it fits.

   If she posts 7 new selfies a day, Regardless of how hot she is, Let it go bud. You'll never give the amount of attention required. Science.

   A lot of people don't realize that Shania Twain's father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

   What's the difference between a woman's argument and a knife? A knife has a point.

   Onions are no longer the only food that can make you tearful. Please add frozen pork roasts that fall out of the freezer onto your toes to the list.

   never get into a fist fight with an ugly person, they have nothing to lose

   Its better to have a long distance relationship as phone calls are cheaper than fuel prices

   instead of "lol", try "lsimhbiwfefmtalol"... laughing silently in my head because it wasn't funny enough for me to actually laugh out loud.

   What if they read a list of everything youve ever typed into Google before entering Heaven..

   Twitter was invented to teach women how to communicate silently in 140 characters or less.

   you ever had that one friend that you don't like to eat with, cause they chew their food like their mad at it?!?