Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Neil Young: So woke that he canceled himself.

   I feel like if people wanted Clinton to come out and address every major event in the country, they probably should have elected her?

   Teeth are always in style!

   The memories of all the naughty things I've done in my lifetime will always bring a smile to my face.

   My kids outgoing voicemail message says,," I'm sorry I won't come to the phone right now. It's 2012. LEARN TO TEXT."

   A good way to breakup with your girlfriend is to introduce her as your ex girlfriend at parties. It softens the blow.

   I only use medical marijuana to treat PMS symptoms. It really helps me forget how much of a b!tch my girlfriend is being.

   Roman numerals. What are they good IV?

   Michael Jackson's bodyguards are now saying; "if Michael Jackson were alive, there is NO WAY he would want Dr Murray on trial." DUH if Michael Jackson was alive, Dr Murray WOULDN'T be on trial now would he? Well played bodyguards, well played.

   You act like I was drinking alone...but I had the entire Verizon network with me

   Not saying I'm hot but I just set off the smoke alarm in my house. Okay, I burned lunch. Whatever.

   No Calls ? I Understand . No Text ? I Understand , But When You See Me With Someone Else Please Understand .

   Halloween = Candy, Thanksgiving = Food, Christmas = Gifts, New Years = Drinks, Valentines = Sex, Birthdays = ALL OF THE ABOVE

   They're not "Used Cars" anymore, they're "Pre-owned" I suggest "Divorce" be changed to "Pre-Loved"

   just finished eating some generic frosted flakes, they're allllllllright, I guess

   Error 4:04 A.M. no sleep available

   I bet George Washington never imagined he'd be the number one cause of lapdances.

   Should I still call a DR if I have a have an erection for more then 4 hrs but I have not taken anything???

   heard Charlie Sheen's pissed now that Arnold Schwarzenegger is the front runner for "Schmuck Of The Year" award!

   "Thor" is the #1 movie -- proving there's nothing Americans love watching more than an immigrant who's good with a hammer.