Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Live without pretending, Love without depending, Listen without defending, Speak without offending.

   I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow..

   If more females would sit down and be ladies more males would stand up and be gentleman.

   PMS is just women ovary acting.

   maybe they should make a game for your phone where you can shoot women into the air with a slingshot and try to destroy everything men say and call it ANGRY B*TCHES

   When I want to show off my best curves, I smile.

   Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

   When someone gives you the finger, Look them straight in the eye and say "you know, there's a pile of crap behind EVERY bird"

   In my opinion, nothing says "mentally I'll and proud of it" like stuffed animals in your car window.

   Love is not about how much you say "I love you", but how much you can prove that it's true.

   I am a blood moon survivor.

   Happy Memorial Day to all. Even the 90% of Americans who don't know the difference between today and Veteran's day.

   Pro tip:When women want to be held, hold em When they're sad, love em When they're drunk, try for butthole. It's easier when they're drunk

   Bruce Jenner was a man for the past 65 years and didn't have one car accident... all of the sudden he turns into a woman and he can't drive anymore and kills someone. I'm not saying women can't drive... but... just saying

   Muhammad Ali in 1974: Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee Floyd Mayweather in 2015: Run like a chicken, hug like a bear

   it appropriate for a receptionist at a sperm clinic to tell their clients "thanks for coming" as they leave?

   Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.

   Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?

   Driving a Prius shows women that you are socially responsible, environmentally conscious, and will be completely unable to make them cum.

   Trojan just released a new camoflauge condom. Their slogan is, "She'll never see you coming!"