Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Too bad Norman Rockwell isn't around today to paint scenes of people looking down at their smartphones.

   Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.

   The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.

   The real magic of Christmas is how quickly money vanishes from my wallet.

   still wondering what Chet did to get his nuts roasted on an open fire.

   I wish people would understand I only sing when I'm drunk and that little shot of wine in church just doesn't cut it.

   Shopping with your husband is like hunting with the game warden!

   Hickies in junior high = Sweet! Hickies in your 30s = Gross

   The reason I'm single? She wouldn't marry me when I was drinking and I wouldn't marry her when I was sober.

   Just watched Silence of the Lambs again.Buffalo Bill, now there was a man that was comfortable in his own skin..........and yours.

   thinks the only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo, is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you.

   GOVERMENT: The subtle name given to a large mafia, taking protection money and a good per...centage of your paycheck just for living on their turf.

   I just googled the word ''anagram'' and it said, ''Did you mean: nag a ram?'' Well played, Google. Well played.

   There's nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change

   So I guess changing my profile picture to Herbert from Family Guy wouldn't be appropriate this week.

   Dear suicidal insects on my windshield: Stop it, I can't see.

   "Listen: I'm a mature person and you're a mature person, so why don't we just skip all the bs, get rid of our inhibitions, and DO what we really wanna DO? "

   Twilight: The story of a young girls struggle between necrophilia and beastiality.

   It's so cute how you think I'm listening.

   Why were the police ever issued with pepper sprays? Surely this will lead to the creation of more seasoned criminals.