Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   why do all the new smartphones have porn on them? Who in their right mind is out in public thinking, "ya know i'd really like to jerk off right now"?

   Did you know that 'Go Hang A Salami' is 'I'm A Lasagna Hog' backwards?... ^_^

   no, I don't think I can help you with that. I have to go walk my dog. and I can only deal with one b!tch at a time

   Welcome to my heart. Today's menu consist of only two choices: take it or leave it

   Let your smile change the world, but dont let the world change your smile

   Thought I was watching a commercial for Grand Theft Auto 5... Turns out I was watching CNN's reporting on Ferguson riots...

   I had no idea it was black Friday in Baltimore.

   It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.

   Microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.

   Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: "skeletal remains," "dumpster," "almost beyond recognition," "dental records" and "shallow grave."

   Before Facebook and online dating, I seriously don't think I've ever seen a picture of a person in their bathroom.

   Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

   Why do camels have v@ginas on their feet anyway?

   I like hitting stuff to make it work. Makes me feel like the Fonz.

   Well, I'm bored again. Time to open the fridge.

   They need to make an app that shows you what your name is saved as in other people's phone.

   Kids these days, Will never know what it feels like to push a VHS tape into a VCR.

   i have 2 sisters,one 14 and the other 6. the 14 year old was arguing with the 6 year old and said" SANTA ISN'T REAL!" without blinking,the 6 year old said"neither is edward cullen!" I don't wanna be mean so i'll say this,one ran away crying.

   its time to shuffle the deck and throw out all the jokers.

   Throwing breadcrumbs is the duck equivalent of making it rain.